By Rita Argiros, Ph. D.

What about holding others accountable?  Why do the kids need to do that? Isn’t it enough for the adults at the school to enforce the rules?  Watch the dogs. When they know one of their pack mates isn’t following the rules they bring that pack mate into line.  Sometimes it looks like they are saying—“hey, its not fair, how come she gets away with this.”  Other times it looks like the older dog is telling the junior dog to,  “ Knock it off, get with the program, stop wasting time. Everything goes smoother if you just follow the rules.”  Again, I am anthropomorphizing but that is really what it looks like and the analogy holds for the students.

This is not to say that we never intervene in student culture. The opposite is the case. We keep constant watch. Just as the master trainer keeps an eye on novice dog handlers. The master trainer knows that the dogs aren’t the problem. The lack of emotional control in the handlers can sometimes be.  How the correction is delivered is important in dog training.  With most obedience exercises the less angry and emotional you are, the easier the dog learns.  But the dog doesn’t like the control no matter how mater-of-factly, kindly or compassionately you require her to hold her position.  The novice dog trainer can’t give into her dog with sweet talk and cajoling. Neither can she take her frustrations out on the dog.

Pointing out to their friends where they are rule breaking helps both students, reinforcing or teaching for the first time.  At its best, a reminder from a classmate says, “Hey—don’t give in to your impulse. Do the right thing. I am here to support you.”  Yes, the reminder is sometimes given with an immature tone—“ If I have to, she has to.”  That can be worked through.  Either way, the student who is hearing the correction has the chance to change her behavior.  She may also get a chance to learn to separate the message from the messenger.  Throughout life, we are going to hear many things that we need to take in delivered to us with an unpleasant emotional undertone. Nothing wrong with learning that skill now.

And at first, the student who breaks a rule is resentful and angry.  Everyone feels a sting when they are corrected.  But when her life becomes less chaotic just because she went along with a few rules, she beings to mature.  Self-mastery feels good. It becomes easier for her to accept advice and it becomes easier for her to do the right thing without reminder.  She stops procrastinating—most of the time.  It becomes easier to deal appropriately with worry or resentment before it ruins her day.  And when she leaves, the strength of will and character she acquired following these small rules will make it easier for her to triumph over more salient distractions.  She will get to her 8AM philosophy class and tell her friends she can’t go out clubbing when she should go to a meeting. She will spend her money on textbooks instead of a new purse.

This process is only just started in most of our students. 18 months is really a very short time.  When they graduate doing the right thing probably isn’t second nature yet. She gets a sponsor.  The AA cliché to borrow someone else’s brains is right on.  Her sponsor will continue the process we started. Lots of the little rules in AA seem stupid and controlling to outsiders as well.  More opportunities to practice self-control safely.

By Rita Argiros, Ph. D.

That piece of wisdom comes from Kyle Warren, my search and rescue team mate and a terrific dog trainer. I have come to see the wisdom in that idea.  Many search and rescue dog handlers spend all their training time in the woods practicing searching. We spend very little time on formal obedience training. What’s the point?  We don’t need our dogs to sit in one place for 10 minutes while we disappear when we are on a real search?  On a real search we will be with our dogs, walking in the woods. As long as our dogs are under our control in that setting, why do we need to waste our time practicing something that we are, most likely never going to need?  Sure, we need a little obedience. Our dogs should have good manners and we don’t want them to embarrass us when we are in public, running around wildly, not listening to us.  On and on the justifications go.

Cut to a normal day at The Family Foundation School and listen to this typical statement by a student.

“I don’t like all the rules at the school. I don’t hold people accountable lots of time to the little things because I don’t feel that they have anything to do with the real world. Nobody is going to time my shower when I get out of here and people aren’t going to care if I am wearing eyeliner. The rules are stupid.  I need to focus on the program—sure—go to meetings, get a sponsor. I plan to do that. I like outside AA. But none of these Family School Rules are part of  the real AA program. Sure, I want to stay sober, stop being violent, succeed in school, get along with my family, recover from my eating disorder, etc., I don’t ever want to hurt my family again, or get arrested again, or feel remorseful because of my behavior but…

Back to dog training…

The sit isn’t only about the sit.  It’s about control. The dog’s self control and, your ability to control the dog. Obedience training starts out in an artificial environment with no distractions. Just being still is hard for many dogs at first. Little by little the dog is tempted with distractions.  We throw a ball in front of the dog. We have another dog walk by her. Even something as simple as changing our position and turning slightly away from the dog may be enough to get the dog to break the sit.  We correct them and put them back into position. It may take two or three repetitions but soon the dog learns to maintain the position in the face of the distraction.  Now I have no way of knowing for sure what is going on in the dog’s brain. I can only tell you what it looks like in human terms.  Over time, as the dog settles in and learns to keep in her position she looks happy, alert, focused and most-of-all, confident.   I think self-control must feel good to dogs.  When you get back into the woods, your relationship with the dog is greatly improved.  She is focused on her work, less distracted by falling leaves, squirrels, rabbits  and swimming holes.  If she does get pulled away into a distraction that is simply irresistible — instead of tuning you out—now her self-control is such that you can call her. Your voice penetrates the emotional fog of excitement and she get’s back to work.  All because you worked on that sit-stay outside of the context of the search.

Kids are not dogs…

Our teens will be making these decisions themselves for the most part, they need to internalize the trainer. What we are trying to do is build up the ability of the decision making parts of their brains to over-ride the more impulsive and emotional parts of their brains.  Sure our rules don’t apply in other settings. It doesn’t matter. My dog rarely has to sit when she is out looking for lost people.  However, the decision to eat a food they don’t much care for, builds self control. Following the 5 minute shower rule even though they really don’t want to does the same thing.